I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
