Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
