You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
