the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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