so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
