Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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