Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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