Did you just see the Batmobile???
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
