im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
