apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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