I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
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