I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
