Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize