he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
