Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
