I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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