I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
