I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There are leaves in my underwear?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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