Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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