Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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