Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
