When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
