my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
