I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
