i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
