If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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