We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
