he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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