Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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