I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
