I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
