did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize