Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
