We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
