just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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