ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
