i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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