I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
