if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
