In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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