can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
