No stitches, just platelets and will power
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
