Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
this is an emotional support booty call
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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