My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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