u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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