words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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