Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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