What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
