I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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