I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
