Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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