Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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