threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
