So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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