i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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