I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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