I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
