sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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