I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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